Last week was a crazy week for me. I missed bible study on Thursday and missed church on Sunday. Saturday I spoke with my sponsor in the 12 step program and I was so happy to hear from her. We talk often but it feels like we never talk enough. She is indeed a very busy lady but this phone call wasn’t a good news type of phone call. It was more like a bad news type of deal. I was caught off guard and did not even expect was she was going to tell me.
Apparently she wasn’t following through with the program at this time. She wasn’t working her steps and did not even have a sponsor. I would not judge her or question her judgment on why she wasn’t following through with the program but I knew her confession was leading her to something deeper and more painful than what she had just admitted to me. She continued on informing me how she has been really busy with getting her house ready to put up for sale, which I knew, and how she has been working a lot lately, just like me so I understand. The fact that it felt the subject had been changed just a bit gave me a huge relief. Then, unexpectedly, she said being that I have no time I have let go of a few sponsees.
At this point, I am tearing up and practically quivering wondering if I am going to be one of those sponsees too. I love her so much. I wanted her to sponsor me forever, as stupid as it sounds now. People change. People let go. People have to move on. People cannot have the same sponsor forever. People have to live their lives. I am one of those people and I am one of those sponsees. My heart hurts to even say it but she dropped me as her sponsee. She said she wouldn’t let go so quick so that I have a chance to find a sponsor here in Orlando. This killed me because to be quite honest, I have explored the options of which Celebrate Recovery meetings are available to me in my area but I just haven’t gone. Now, I have to get on my A game and pick up the pace.
Regardless of the hurt I feel inside for her not having told me before, I realize that had she told me this before moving, had she realized what she needed to do for herself, I might have flipped out to be moving without a sponsor. My next concern is that I don’t have anyone here that will know me like she knows me. At the end of the day, I don’t expect anyone to know me that intricately just yet but I am longing for a sponsorship with someone who at least knows some of me and my past including my recovery victories and downfalls.
So…I reached out to a great friend of mine and accountability partner from the program that I haven’t really kept in touch with. She doesn’t know yet but I think I am going to ask her if she is willing to sponsor me temporarily while I figure everything out. Maybe she will be willing to help me out and if she is, maybe she is willing to start the steps from number one all over again with me. I am sending prayers to God this evening as I write about my deepest darkest moments. I ask that He bring me to the right person that can assist me in changing my life for the better as I have learned with this program. Lord, just send me an angel in the shape of a sponsor as you have always done. I trust You, Father God. Thank you all for reading.
½ red onion, spiralized
1 serving of Niannaise
2 (5 oz) cans of lump crab meat, drained
½ cup quinoa, cooked
- Spiralize red onion
- In a bowl, mix together crab, Niannaise + onion
- Serve the quinoa in two bowls: ¼ cup in each
- Top the quinoa with your Niannaise crab salad